13 Jul absolute trust or betrayal(love)
To fuse our life with that of another person, who will understand fully-fully every part of us – is that called ‘love’?
‘to be understood’ factor that plays a key role for everything when you are looking for your other half. If to be drawn on philosophical terms there are only darker conclusions on any topic that links to “understanding” – no one can fully understand anyone, love is an illusion, humans irredeemably wicked, and loneliness is endemic.
Yeah, ok, not to mark the meaning of love with such pessimistic words, even knowing the loneliness is inexorable thing, like a build-in feature in us, and that the experience of love and couple hood might be engrossing, mind-boggling, and challenging, but at the same time, it’s in our vein, among those pleasures that brings most treasured and valued moments in life.
might underrate someone’s thoughts…
Must be love or what ?
Stick together for sex?
Ultimately, we usually stay too long with people who deceive us, annoy us, who just ‘sharing a bed’ with us, fuelled only on sex and physical connection. No offence, this is because we all have a low level of self-knowledge: We don’t know what profile will match us, or fit our needs, except person’s visible features that we could judge on initially. Non-stop flipping images on the dating app – pleasing our curiosity who is single out there and also looking for love (for one or more nights). It is entertaining and quite exciting till, more likely, you start [properly] talking to your pick.
After few pitiful attempts finding ‘your love of your life’ you start thinking “maybe it’s me, – if I exercise relationship in the right way, as I asked to, I would be happy with this man”. And that’s how we could bolt into toxic relationships out of terror of single hood to build this entirely life-meaning close-knit union between two. Such condition can morph into a longing extreme anger toward everything for not being appreciated since you gave up so many things for being silly once to say yes to this choice. Inevitably shifting own interest to material stuff, which [now] look wildly pragmatic for emotional rewards. And how can it not be, when on top of your unease marriage/relationship, your old friends, who could give advise or help you out, are busy with their own families scattered around the world.
Feels like you are on your own to sort your dysfunctional relationship and the potential luck to meet someone that would bring the light in your life, grows very somber.
Romantic culture…
Looking for classic romance?
From one extreme to another. Love in form of romance illustrates the tandem that doing more or less everything together, being the centre of each other’s lives, and putting their work on the side. Sounds sweet but for a long-run catastrophic. When two are assumed to meet each others needs in every area of daily life – from intellectual to sex activities, household skills to bedroom habits – is unreal and exhausting for chase to meet those needs.
How that sound? – Live your lives like two peas in a pot, follow each other like a needle with thread, join or support one another in every step? This all refer to the romantic concept, which is clearly seen during bouquet-chocolaty period (first 2/3 months of relationship). When booking a trip our partner supposed to trot along happily; visiting parents only together; one’s friends are now shared friends, and so forth. Good and sweet at the start, but quickly wears you off on regular term. In theory it seems like a good recipe for love, but in reality it always result in misery at the end of the day.
So to follow or not? Its like always feeling like the first time you met each other – didn’t know how to act, just going with a flow.
Best recipes?
How to act around then?
Not on my watch, ever, two people could match each other’s needs and wants across all areas of existence…Its madness! But, look how many are upset for not finding the ‘full’ match. This is some kind of social narrative that you have to match each others interests no matter what, otherwise, you just don’t love enough. Who said so?
There is no clear statistics that couples with more mutual interests stay longer with each other – cute at the beginning but disastrous in the long-run for both. So if you are forcing yourself to match your partner’s interest you would not only fail to meet the result you would wish for – sharing the meaningful moments together – but you’re also risking to face hostility towards one another. The attempt to meet differences inevitably ushers in bitterness and rage. Its pretty logical: when your interest is only to please another person without enjoying it yourself, you would chiefly grip on someone’s reactions(partner’s), which could be impulsive and random enough to be annoyed of.
However, we still have this notion of seeing any independent move as a sign of betrayal; Let’s say, you decide to travel alone, sleep apart, hang out with friends on your own – this seen as an imminent danger for couple hood. Instead, we assumed to end up badgering each other to do things that we don’t actually like: endure each others tedious hobbies, see same friends, go to the country that we don’t like. Ugh, people doing so just to save their faces as other arrangement on their own has come to seem like evidence of treachery.
Snatch it !
Yes, have a few strong areas where you’d match each other but do have plenty of independent activities to pursue your goals on our own. :
Travel alone/without your partner.
Dinner with a fiend – one to one. ( gender no matter)
Go shopping with a friend.
Go for walks on your own.
Be able to go to a party without your partner (and not have them left out).
Visit your parents alone.
Have separate accounts (especially a bank account)
And more, if you can afford it though (financially) – have your own bathroom, room,… and so forth. Of course there is a big handle on trust: when fully wrapped up in another person you can hardly see the line between [emotions of] infatuation and love, and act upon your idea of owning a person you with. This is also links to your own insecurity.
From the outset a degree of independence is fundamentally affect and guarantee the solidarity of the commitments both have made. We should recognise it and find plenty of sources of excitement and stimulation outside! Truly stable couples are those who can smoothly interpret their differences in non-offensive terms, and not hugely lean on doing everything together.
Point out: Lowering dependence from each other doesn’t mean to unravel a special bond between two; rather sets an understanding what another person can actually do and amuse us by it. There will be no time blaming each other for what you were expecting them to be.
Good sides of it : Freeing yourself from the upsetting evenings watching your partner dislike and has no interest in talking to your friends, when the calendar of your Hollidays doesn’t always match your partner’s, or ideal travel’s plan strikes us as unappealing. Hooray, free to be yourself and not hurting anyone’s feeling!
Dont rush trowing away romantic novels and skipping the movies about love – remember, that’s just a story, laugh and enjoy it, but don’t reference it to your real life as its more complex, but rewarding…when clearly thinking, just saying.
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